~For the bored internet children of Los Angeles.~

It’s about 8pm on a Friday night when I start getting ready. In a sense, I have no idea what I’m doing. Earlier that day I RSVP’d to a Ham On Everything party that was featuring a few Djs. I know doors open at 10pm & it costs $10 to get in but in all actuality, I have no idea as to where the fuck I’m going.

I go to my email & open my spam folder. There, my plans begin to unfold & I start becoming excited for what was in store that night.

I’ve been to Ham before but all previous events were show type settings & were held at Jewel’s Catch One. Thanks to Ham I was able to see Chief Keef, Fredo Santana, Lil Reese, Soulja Boy, Riff Raff, OG Maco, & Migos. This was the first time that I decided to attend a Ham party where it was mainly a party type setting with DJ’s so I didn’t really know how the turnout would be.

Later that night I meet with my friends & we take the red line from Union Station to Hollywood & Vine. As soon as we meet the boulevard we step foot onto the walk of fame & were greeted by the Capitol Records building. We map the location & set out on foot to the pin. It’s about a 10 min walk until we finally reach the corner of Cahuenga. Even though we were close to the event, it didn’t really feel like a Ham atmosphere. We were mostly surrounded by dabs lined up trying to get inside of clubs rather than dirty LA kids. We turn the corner & walk into a dark alley that smelt like rat piss. We weasel behind a trunk and slide into a gate that was slightly cracked open. We get pat down, pay our $10, & head inside.

Inside, its dead. I could lie to you & say it was lit but it wasn’t. I’m writing this with intentions of what to expect in regards to Ham, I’m not writing this to strictly glorifying Ham. With that being said, I’m just gonna stop this story really quick & make a list of Ham basics.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING. In this particular situation, I believe we got there an hour after doors opened & it wasn’t quite the lituation, yet. Give it some time. People will show. I promise. Ham lowkey has a cult following & cult followings are very loyal so you can always trust that a good amount of people will be there. However in other Ham situations where it’s more like a show type setting, don’t be afraid to get there early. I say an hour before doors open is good. Nowadays Ham usually does presale tickets for shows but if they don’t, then that’s when you’re going to need to get there early so you can secure a spot. Especially if you plan on parking your car because we all know that parking in LA is a bitch 🙂 I’m sure the Hamily will never forget the Lil B special in December last year. About 2,000 people showed up to the pink bandana party & the line was about 500 people over capacity. Even though the Based God would wish nothing but positivity among all his fans, a riot broke out eventually & SWAT decided to make an appearance. So as you can see, these parties get packed.

PARTY NAKED. Not really. You probably will see a good amount of nudity throughout the night though. But in all seriousness, it gets fucking hot in there. I’ve never left a Ham not sweaty to tell you the truth. If you think you’re just gonna go, stand around, look cute with a drink in your hand, & leave as perfect as you came, you’re wrong. Even just standing there you will get hot & your make up will run. Accept it & go prepared. I definitely recommend that you don’t wear any heavy clothing or layers. Your shoes will probably also get fucked up so keep that in mind. Pockets are also very important so that way you have a somewhat safe place to keep your stuff. This last Ham I didn’t have any pockets & had to keep my phone in my boot. Sadly I woke up the next morning with a broken phone. nbd.

BRING CA$H. Simple easy rule. Cash to pay the cover charge & so you can buy drinks when you get inside. There are also strippers at Ham sometimes so if you’re feeling generous & want to help the circle of life then you can properly contribute your funds. Cash is also great so you can buy street tacos afterwards when you leave. As a girl, I recommend not bringing in a purse. It’s gonna make the night a lot easier.

PICK YOUR PARTY. One thing that is so great about Ham is the collective of personalities. The Hamily isn’t made up of only one group of people. Ham is for anyone who wants to have a good time. They cater to all different types of subcultures & lifestyles. So make sure that the Ham event you go to is an environment that you’re going to be comfortable in. Some nights they have raves where it’s heavy EDM with like internet cyber sex sounds. Everyone is rolling and the room is filled with candy & light shows. Other nights, there are trap parties where everyone is drunk & jumping around watching lil mamas throw their asses in circles. It really just depends. So make sure you know more or less what you’re getting yourself into when you RSVP. I’m not trying to reinforce cliques or stereotypes in anyway though. I just understand that not everyone is okay with being outside of their comfort zone.

HAVE FUN. TU. GET LIT. GO HAM. However you wanna say it. Everyone is there to have a good time so feel free to live in the moment & not think about things too much. Ham is what you make it, just like anything else.

Anyways, back to the story.

This was the second Ham venue that I had been too & I wasn’t let down. It was an old abandon mansion that felt rather suave & 80’s. All the different pillars & corners of the room were lit up with blacklights & neon. Something about the atmosphere felt surreal. It put me in a weird, indescribable mood but I was ready to take the night however it played out.

We were among some of the first people there which means that there was lots of space and awkwardness. Thankfully, my friends are super cool & don’t really care too much about what other people are doing. So naturally we all just kind of started vibing & dancing, just doing whatever felt right. I head to the bar, buy a couple of Colt 45’s & really let the night begin.

Just as I had promised, more people show up as the night goes on. Everyone is dancing and LA’s underground is piling through the door. I even ran into some friends from Arizona that wanted to check out the infamous Ham scene. The highlight of my night  was unknowingly running into Kreayshawn & telling her not to sit on the toilet seat because it was disgusting. ~LoLz~

At some point we decide to take another break & step outside to get some fresh air from the overwhelming stench of body odor inside the mansion. We step into the dark back alley crowded with cigarette smoke & people. As soon as we find some space to revitalize our energy, we notice a bright light shine into the alley from the front gate.

Before you know it, the whole party is dodging 12.

Cops show up & completely shut down the party just as it was about to climax. We all left the scene with no hesitation or refusal. I definitely wasn’t trying to go to jail because of a party. As we were leaving, I noticed that all the staff & security was being put into cuffs which really sucked. Thankfully though, everything turned out to be okay in the end & the Hamily still lives on. We ended the night with some Super Smash Bros & street tacos so I wasn’t mad at all.

Ham On Everything has been around since 2011 thanks to Adam Weiss but I feel like it is only really the beginning for this scene. I have faith that the hamily will grow but will also be able to stay away from overexposure. As much as you want to tell everyone about how one of a kind it is, you also kind of want to keep it to yourself. Because let’s face it, Ham On Everything is one of LA’s best kept secrets.

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